her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
