I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
