So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
