I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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