We need to rekindle our bromance
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
