I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Duck Duck Cougar?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
