I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
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I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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