My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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