I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize