you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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