I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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