my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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