bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
