Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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