i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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