we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
3pm strippers are depressing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
