I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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