when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
