Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
