We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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