I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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