I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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