I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
