i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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