I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We are two peas in an std pod
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
