Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
