end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
