You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
