You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
