I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
