So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
