wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
