just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
