Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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