I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
