fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
