I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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