I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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