Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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