i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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