I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
