Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
