i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
