my phone needs a breathalizer
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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