we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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