Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
