Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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