Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I need moral support for this bender
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
