I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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