and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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