dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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