THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
