he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
