Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
