I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
