Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
