So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
