I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
