they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
