Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
