he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
